


We Can Learn To Be Still

by rebelwaltz



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Rock Band, F/F, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Minor Character Death
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-30
Updated: 2016-01-30
Packaged: 2018-05-17 03:18:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,414
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5851978
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rebelwaltz/pseuds/rebelwaltz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ten years ago they were at the top of the world. That is, until people died, rumors were spread, hearts were broken and reputations ruined, then they never spoke to each other again.</p><p>Ten years later and they are forced to meet for one last gig.</p>
            </blockquote>





	We Can Learn To Be Still

**Author's Note:**

> This was inspired by the movie Trigger.

Ten years later and this is all Lexa remembers from the last show of the band City of Light:

There was an excessive amount of alcohol involved, but she knew that wasn't what drove them to madness. It was probably the drugs, or the mixture of the two things, she isn't too sure, lately the memories of that day are a little bit blurry, a little bit distant for her to be able to hold on to. Truth be told, she doesn't really want to hold on to any of these particular images playing inside her mind. They are always too much.

She remembers Clarke stepping closer to her with the mic, she's singing the words, _'outside the empty street is crying/and I've never been so bare/let's just lie back and stare/I've never felt stars in my eyes like this',_ and she always had that look when they were on stage, the look that tore Lexa apart from the inside; sexy and devastating, like she wanted to devour her heart and soul. She remembers how Clarke licked the side of her face and smiled as she looked back to the clapping audience.

She can't remember how she managed to go on getting her chords right after that. If she's being realistic, she probably didn't get any of it correctly. Not with Clarke's front pressed against her back.

' _Owner of my eyes, it's you/paint your lips to write your mouth on me.'_

She remembers avoiding Costia song after song. They usually had their own teasing act too, but not that day, not when Clarke was so wild and free and Lexa wanted her.

She remembers the crowd going crazy after she playfully pushed Clarke away when the blonde tried to kiss her. She remembers going to the back of the stage, spinning around and around and around with her guitar until she bumped into Octavia's drums. Octavia laughed, but she was probably pretty high too.

She remembers Clarke spitting on something or someone. She remembers her ups and downs through out the setlist – they came and went in a matter of seconds, and that's probably why Clarke kept coming back to her, to make sure she was okay, to make sure she could keep going. It's a wonder she didn't fall apart in front of everyone.

Most of all, she remembers Clarke messing up her hair and playing with her braids between songs, Clarke waving her hands in the air like a hippie in a field of sunflowers, Clarke running into her and falling on the floor.

She remembers that was probably what made Clarke start screaming the songs right at her face. _'you've got to get used to it/and give your heart a little kick/she will, she will, she will, she will, she will, she will, she will, she will, she will, she will, she will, she will, she will, she!/she!/she!'_

Until she got fed up with it and smashed her guitar multiple times on the ground, breaking it into pieces as Clarke watched on expressionless.

“Fuck you!” Lexa remembers shouting before walking out of the stage. Not before Clarke slapped her in the face, though.

The one time she turned around, she remembers seeing Clarke throwing up and passing out in front of everyone.

Hours later she remembers hearing that Costia had an overdose and died on her way to the hospital.

It effectively marked the end of the band.

They didn't get even close to finishing the whole tour.

 

* * *

 

“Remember that documentary about Rock Women I told you about? It's happening, and Niylah wants you in it.” They were in the studio listening to some tracks Lexa had helped write when Anya casually dropped the bomb on her.

Lexa paused the song and looked at her friend, her eyebrows were raised, questioning. “Me or the band?”

“The band. Octavia and Raven are okay with it, and before you even think about saying no, I already told Niylah you were in. We scheduled a small show too.”

She shouldn't have expected a different answer.

The last thing she ever wanted was a concrete reminder of the past, yet, now that she was faced with that idea, she couldn't help wondering if the reason why she didn't want it in the first place was because she was afraid of seeing her bandmates again. They had seen the worst of her, and since the worst of her was constantly there to haunt her in her own memories, leaving her with nothing but shame and regret, it's possible that seeing them again would make it worse; make it feel more real and less like a distant dream.

But maybe that's what she needed to be able to move on.

As far as she knew, they had all ended up in rehab after the band went to shit, and none of them tried to make it solo. Octavia and Raven ended up joining another band, and letting go of the past was easy for them because they weren't at the center of the drama and rumors that surrounded their group. As for Clarke and herself? It was different. More complicated. Clarke went on to say music had ruined her entire life and started over as a painter, while Lexa embraced music on a different level, she became a music adviser, a writer and a producer, she wrote for other musicians and guided them so they wouldn't make the same mistakes she had.

She felt both happy and miserable.

“How efficient and thoughtful of you. What did...” Lexa clenched her jaw and looked to the side, avoiding Anya's eyes. “Have you heard from Clarke?”

The question caused Anya to sigh, and Lexa instantly knew what her answer was going to be. “No. You know how she is.” Anya handed Lexa a card and while she examined it, reading the name of the restaurant and its address, Anya said she had somewhere to be. Lexa figured the only reason why she was leaving was because she didn't want to hear any more of Lexa's questions about the blonde and that was fair enough: ten years of this and Anya was probably already tired of of the same old routine. “Meet her there at 5 next week.”

 

* * *

 

Lexa probably should not have showed up. That was one of the few things in life she was certain of. She should have stayed home and worked on some of the demos that had piled up over the last seven days. She should not be there - she did not belong in this fancy restaurant at the top of the highest building in town, she did not belong anywhere near those fresh looking lilies on the table, or those young girls looking for a rich hook up, she definitely did not belong anywhere near those laughing businessmen.

“Lexa.” Apparently she had been so busy staring out the window that she hadn't noticed Clarke arriving. She looked beautiful as ever in a blue shirt and blue leather jacket. It was like she hadn't aged, like time had stopped for her. It certainly had for Lexa's heart, because suddenly, for the first time in years, she felt it beating again. “I'm sorry I'm late.” She said as she took a seat across the table from her, offering her a kind smile as she did so.

“Don't worry. I've only been here forty minutes.” It was a lie.

The look on Clarke's face was near comical. “I didn't think you were capable of waiting that long for someone.”

“A lot has changed, Clarke. I've been doing yoga.” She joked, but Clarke either didn't think it was funny or actually thought she was serious. That made it awkward. It reminded Lexa that she had absolutely no idea what to expect from this meeting. She just hoped they didn't end up killing each other.

Clarke didn't say anything for a while, going back and forth between looking at the sky outside and at the woman in front of her. The silence between them was so loud and so uncomfortable that Lexa wondered if anyone else could hear it or feel it too.There were no comforting thoughts in that moment, after ten years, this is what they had become: not friends, not strangers, they were lost in a limbo somewhere along the way of knowing and forgetting and that was one of the things she never thought would happen to them.

“You...you look different. Not in a bad way.” The compliment came from seemingly out of nowhere and it was enough to make Lexa laugh.

“You don't.” If Clarke were to ask, she would be inclined to say that she looked more mature, less haunted, happier, healthier. She looked great and her blue eyes were still as expressive as ever. But when Clarke's only response was to narrow her eyes, Lexa felt a little relieved that she didn't have to say all of those things to her.

“I'm not sure how to do this.”

“Really? You were quite good at doing this back in the days, always the life of the party, always helping people feel comfortable.”

“A lot as changed, you said so yourself.”

“Is that right? You've been into yoga too?”

“No, Lexa, I can't say that I have. But I've been -” Lexa cut her off before she could finish.

“You should consider it. It could help you arrive on time. I mean, how can you be two hours late by accident? I didn't think that was possible.” Lexa accused her more harshly than she intended and she wished she could take it back or say it differently, but it was already out there and the blonde had obviously taken offence.

“Excuse me? It was forty minutes.” Clarke rebuffed, looking at Lexa like she had lost her mind.

“No. I was sitting here for nearly two hours, Clarke, before you finally decided to grace me with your presence.”

“Nearly two hours isn't the same as two hours. How long have you really been here for?”

“Does it matter?”

It did for Clarke and she checked the watch on her wrist. “Well, you were obviously early, that's not my fault.”

“It's never your fault, Clarke, that's the problem.”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“It means it's all about you, just like always.”

“Yeah, because I was the selfish one who disappeared back at the Mountain Bowl. That was all about me.” And then, before Lexa had a chance to say anything else, Clarke added: “I don't know why I came.” She shook her head and pushed her chair back loudly, getting up and making her way back where she came from.

“Why did you, Clarke?” Lexa called out from where she was sitting, and it was enough to get the attention of everyone in the restaurant. All of a sudden the whole room went quiet, everyone stopped what they were doing and started paying attention to the two women, not even caring that they weren't being subtle. The change in the atmosphere was the reason why she followed the other woman. Making a scene in a public place might have been okay when they were 18, but not anymore. “You didn't have to come, so why are you here?”

“I don't know, maybe because I wanted to know why the fuck you left that night. Maybe because I wanted an apology.” When Clarke turned around to look at her, she looked more upset than angry, she looked like the light had gone out of her and all that was left was this profound sadness and regret. Lexa knew she was the one who had put it there. “We were going to conquer the world and you just left. So fuck you, Lexa, for making it sound like any of this is my fault.”

Not wanting to get them anymore unwanted attention from fellow clients, Lexa dragged Clarke into the nearest bathroom. “I'm sorry, okay?”

“You're sorry? That's it?”

“Yes. I'm sorry.”

 

* * *

 

“You can take this away.” Clarke grabbed the vase with the lilies in them and gave it to the waiter. The man was slightly taken aback at first but simply nodded and left with their pretentious orders. Lexa ordered the first complicated salad she saw on the menu, and Clarke ordered an expensive bottle of water and a dish with a difficult name that she couldn't pronounce properly.

“Do you have any idea what you just ordered?” Lexa asked, amused.

At the question, Clarke merely shrugged. Both of them obviously only ordered something so they wouldn't get kicked out of the restaurant for sitting there and not buying anything. It was laughable because they didn't actually have to be there, there were other places they could go, places they were more accustomed to, somewhere less pompous. Then again, maybe that's why they stayed, so they would be more inclined to behave. “So Rock Women?” Clarke propped her elbows on the table and leaned her chin on her hands.

“I know.”

“Should I expect Niylah to hit us with rocks?”

“Crack rocks, maybe. We were better with those than actual Rock music.”

Clarke tried hard not to laugh, but it was impossible not to when she saw Lexa smirking at her. “And do you think this is a good idea? Everytime I think about us, the band, back then... I feel this kind of emptiness. This nostalgia that makes me sick. I get that people still feel empowered when they listen to our songs, and that's great, but that's not who...”

“Clarke.” Lexa reached out and touched the other girl's bicep, trying to offer some comfort and hoping that comfort wasn't unwanted, hoping Clarke wouldn't pull away. “You don't have to do anything you don't feel comfortable with.”

“I thought you were here to convince me to do it.” Clarke frowned. “I thought that's why Anya sent you, because she knew...”

Despite wanting to know what Anya could possibly know, Lexa didn't ask. “She would have sent Octavia and Raven if she wanted to convince you, not someone you haven't seen in ten years.”

“Well, Anya is an asshole.” Clarke said right as the waiter returned with the bottle of water.

They toasted to that.

 

* * *

 

The reason Anya asked Lexa to meet Clarke was because she was the only one capable of getting Clarke to the concert without dragging her kicking and screaming.

So Clarke didn't know any better when, by pure luck, they passed by the Ark Music Hall where a long line of people was waiting outside. That was no coincidence, though: Lexa's approach involved lying about it and saying there was an interesting cultural event happening that night just to get Clarke inside. It was a good plan and would have totally worked if only a group of teenagers hadn't recognized them and started screaming.

“Oh my god!!!! Clarke and Lexa!!!” And then, soon enough, they were surrounded, and the blonde found out pretty quickly what was really going on. The group of boys and girls, along with begging for autographs(despite the fact that no one had a pen), began asking if they were there for the show, and Clarke was too embarrassed to say no.

No doubt it was for the best, this way Lexa wouldn't have to lie to get Clarke to agree – Clarke's kindness did that for her. It was obvious she wouldn't want to let those poor kids down, and if she had to go inside and then sneak out through the back door, that's what she would do. Clarke Griffin would not be the one to put a frown on those excited kids' faces. At the very least, she would not want to be around to see it.

“Are you going to tell me what this is about anytime soon?” Clarke asked as they tried navigating the very crowded room while one band or another was playing on stage. So far they hadn't seen anyone they knew and for that Lexa was thankful, it gave her some time to prepare Clarke for what was to come. To explain to her why they were there and why this could be a good idea.

Lexa had a little more time to think about this, however.

“Niylah wants us to play tonight, for the documentary. Just think about it, Clarke. After all this time, I think we deserve this. It's what we need to heal and to honor Costia.”

Clarke took a deep breath. Luckily for Lexa, she didn't lose her temper again, but she sounded defeated when she spoke: “We don't deserve this, can't you see that? Costia wouldn't have wanted us to go back to the one thing that destroyed us. Besides, it's not like we were anyone's role models. You said so yourself, we did drugs better than we did music. There's no honor here.”

This time, Lexa let Clarke walk away from her, thinking she probably needed some time alone to think this over, but the blonde didn't get very far before a man with long hair stopped her from getting anywhere. She thought that boyish face and charming smile looked familiar. Still, she hoped that wasn't him. She hoped he hadn't been invited – she hoped Niylah wouldn't have done that to Clarke and Raven. She hoped Anya wouldn't have agreed to it.

But who was she kidding? This was supposed to be a part of a documentary, and those kinds of things didn't shy away from conflict. Sometimes they encouraged it.

As for Anya, well, she was an asshole. And she still had the mind of a manager.

Lexa didn't need much time to decide to step in before it got ugly. Clarke and Finn had loved each other once, but the coldness at the end was nothing if not destructive, and their fights were intense, too intense. Add Raven to the mix and it's no wonder their break up was still the most talked about in tabloid magazines and websites. Ten years may have gone by, but she couldn't let Clarke go through that again. Not when she wouldn't even have had to see the man if Lexa hadn't brought her there.

“I didn't know you'd be here, Finn.” Lexa's tone was unkind, but that didn't seem to affect him. It was almost infuriating how he barely paid attention to her.

“I wouldn't want to miss this, you know?” He answered with his eyes set on Clarke. “It's a big deal, you guys were the greatest, and, regardless of what happened, I always was your biggest fan, Princess. I always will be. I just wanted you to know that.”

At Clarke's silence, Finn pressed his lips together and nodded in acquiescence. It was right in that moment that Lexa understood what Clarke said about them not deserving any of this – they had caused so much pain and left so much destruction behind, it was a wonder people remembered them for anything other than how messed up they were. Finn wasn't innocent, but then again, none of them were.

Clarke gave her a chance today, but the truth is, she probably just got lucky.

“You know I never hated you, right? It just hurt too much.” Clarke finally said, and for a second her words made Lexa feel like her blood had stopped running and her lungs had ran out of air. There was a guiltiness there that she couldn't shake. She remembered telling Clarke that 'love was weakness' and that she should be more careful with her heart, she remembered making sure that Clarke understood what that meant when she told her about Finn and Raven. She remembered that wasn't her story to tell.

Clarke cared too much and that's what made her so special.

“Yeah, Princess.”

They hugged. Clarke was the first to reach out to him and the one to lean her head on Finn's shoulder with the familiarity of someone who'd been doing it everyday for years.

Lexa felt so far away from reality that she couldn't stay there and wait for one of them to notice her.

 

* * *

 

She found herself sitting alone in one of the changing rooms backstage. She didn't want to be bothered and that was the only place she found that was still empty(she was sure some drunk couple would soon come in looking for a place to hook up.) The words Clarke said kept playing over and over inside her head. Would Costia really not have wanted this? Sweet Costia, she was the one who held the band together, she was the who pushed them apart when it became too much and they needed time out. For the longest time, Lexa thought she was _the one._

She was _the one_ until they joined the band and had to spend every single day together in a confined space – their relationship definitely didn't survive that, just like it didn't survive the attention Costia didn't get while Lexa got plenty of fangirls and fanboys following her around, it didn't survive the news that Anya and their label had tried to replace Costia. The pressure was just too much and it broke them apart.

Their relationship was never the same after the break up, the act they put on for the audience was simply something they were told to do to keep the public guessing, but it was so painful that the only thing it managed to do was push them farther apart.

Without a doubt, out of everyone in the band, Costia was the one who deserved better.

Funny how that worked.

Costia would not have wanted this. Fuck.

How could she allow herself to hope?

 

* * *

 

Lexa was still sitting in that same room when she was eventually found.

Octavia and Raven both took a seat next to her, and Clarke kneeled in front of her.

None of them said anything.

 

* * *

 

“Clarke figured out one of the songs we're gonna play tonight. Didn't you, Clarke?” Raven announced, and with her eyebrows raised, Lexa looked down at the blonde, silently questioning her sudden change of heart.

Clarke, however, avoided her eyes.

It may not have been a direct answer, but it spoke volumes. She wasn't going to do this because she wanted to. Something or someone must have talked her into it.

“The Finn song.” Octavia said before anyone else could.

Ah, there it is, Lexa understood it now.

'The Finn Song', as they liked to call it, was the 'fuck you' song that Raven and Clarke had written together. That wasn't the one they were famous for, far from it; people usually loved it when they heard it, but it was one of the songs that they only occasionally played live because the song itself had never seen the light of an actual record(it's bad publicity to go against a member of the biggest boy band in the world, someone said). Honestly, Lexa was pretty sure she didn't even remember how to play it anymore.

“It's going to be perfect.”

Her old bandmates started discussing the different things they could do with the song, but Lexa was having a really hard time following the conversation. When did she get pushed into a wormhole and travel back into time?

“Wait. Stop. What are you doing?” Lexa got up so fast that Clarke needed to lean back in order not to get hit on the chin by Lexa's knee. She comically fell on her ass, but no one laughed. “The circus that's waiting for us out there, is that really what we want?”

“Princess said you were with us.” Octavia pointed out, frowning while she helped the blonde up.

“Not anymore.”

“That's just great. What the fuck are we here for then?” Raven groaned and was on her feet as quickly as she could manage. The air between them became heavy, with Octavia and Raven both glaring at Lexa while Clarke stared at nothing in particular. Lexa thought that was because she wanted to avoid confrontation, but she was wrong.

Clarke sighed. “Maybe that's just it. What are we here for?”

“I'm sorry? Are you seriously asking us why we're here? I think it's obvious.”

“But it's not. Don't you get that? We're obviously not here for the same reasons, and I can't read your mind, Raven."

Raven rolled her eyes theatrically, but one look at Clarke and she thought better about complaining. “Because playing with you guys is the only time I ever felt alive, this band made me forget about all the pain and the shit that was happening, because I knew I could count on you. Because we weren't afraid of being real. And it doesn't hurt that our songs were fucking amazing. Octavia?”

Octavia didn't want to contribute with a confession, she made that clear with the punch she delivered to Raven's arm and how she shook her head, mouthing 'no' a few times. "I can't believe you people." Raven punched her back, and that was more than enough to get her to smile. “Fuck. Fine. Because you were my home and my family, because despite our fights and despite the fact that I actually don't like any of you that much, what we had was special. It was the best time of my life and I miss that, I miss how powerful I felt all the time, and how excited I felt about music, like it was the first time everyday. I miss being passionate about being on stage.” Unlike Raven, she didn't call anyone's name. Lexa was glad for that, she didn't want to be the one to speak next, but judging by the way Clarke was watching her, neither did she.

They didn't really have a choice. They nodded.

“Because of Finn.”

“Costia.”

They spoke almost at the same time.

“There's got to be a better reason than Finn, just saying.”

“There's no other reason.” Clarke replied firmly, crossing her arms over her chest in defiance.

“Are you sure? Try thinking a little harder about what this really means to you, what we really mean to you...because that shitty ass excuse you just came up with isn't productive or useful to this group therapy crap you started.”

“Don't listen to Raven, Finn is a valid reason.” Octavia interjected. “We'll take it.”

None of them mentioned Costia, and perhaps that was for the best. There was nothing to say.

Costia was gone, they weren't.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!
> 
> ps: if anyone noticed words where the letters j k l were missing, it's because my laptop refuses to accept their existence and I've been using a virtual keyboard :(


End file.
